The Words I Grew Up With: Unraveling My Parents’ Struggle to Express Love

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The Words I Grew Up With: Unraveling My Parents’ Struggle to Express Love

Growing up, the phrases I heard from my parents shaped my understanding of love, family, and connection. “Toughen up,” “You’ll understand when you’re older,” or “We’re doing this for your own good” were common refrains in our household. For years, I accepted these words as expressions of care, but as an adult, I realized they often masked my parents’ struggle to express love in ways that felt warm or affirming. This realization wasn’t about blame—it was about understanding the complexities of emotional expression and how generational patterns influence the way love is communicated.

In this article, I’ll share ten phrases I grew up hearing, reflecting on how they revealed my parents’ challenges with expressing love. Backed by psychological insights, I’ll explore why these phrases emerged, their impact, and how we can break the cycle to foster healthier emotional connections. If you’ve ever questioned the words you heard as a child, this journey may resonate with you.

Why Parents Struggle to Express Love

Expressing love is deeply personal, yet it’s shaped by cultural, generational, and psychological factors. Many parents, particularly from older generations, grew up in environments where emotional vulnerability was discouraged. According to a 2021 study in Journal of Family Psychology, parents who experienced emotionally distant upbringings often struggle to express affection, defaulting to practical or disciplinary phrases instead. This doesn’t mean they don’t love their children—it means their emotional vocabulary may be limited by their own experiences.

For me, recognizing this helped me see my parents’ words not as a lack of love but as a reflection of their own upbringing. Below are ten phrases I heard growing up, their underlying messages, and how they shaped my understanding of love.

10 Phrases and Their Hidden Meanings

These phrases, while familiar to many, often carried unintended messages about love and connection. Each is paired with insights into why parents might use them and their emotional impact.

1. “Toughen Up”

I heard this whenever I cried or showed vulnerability. It felt dismissive, but my parents likely used it to prepare me for a harsh world. A 2020 study in Emotion suggests that parents who suppress their own emotions often encourage stoicism in their children, believing it fosters resilience.

  • Hidden Message: “I want you to be strong, but I don’t know how to comfort you.”
  • Impact: It taught me to hide emotions, making it hard to seek support later in life.

2. “You’ll Understand When You’re Older”

This phrase often followed decisions I didn’t agree with, like strict curfews. It was their way of justifying choices, but it left me feeling unheard. Research from Developmental Psychology (2021) shows that dismissive phrases can hinder open communication in families.

  • Hidden Message: “I’m protecting you, but I can’t explain why right now.”
  • Impact: It created a sense of distance, making me feel my perspective didn’t matter.

3. “We’re Doing This for Your Own Good”

Used to justify discipline or tough rules, this phrase felt like love disguised as control. A 2022 study in Journal of Child and Family Studies notes that authoritarian parenting styles often prioritize duty over emotional warmth.

  • Hidden Message: “I love you by ensuring your future, even if it feels harsh.”
  • Impact: It made me question whether love was about sacrifice rather than affection.

4. “Don’t Cry, It’s Not a Big Deal”

This was meant to soothe but often minimized my feelings. According to Psychological Reports (2023), invalidating emotions can reduce emotional intelligence in children.

  • Hidden Message: “I want to help, but I’m uncomfortable with your emotions.”
  • Impact: It led me to suppress sadness, fearing it was a sign of weakness.

5. “You Should Be Grateful”

Gratitude was often demanded rather than inspired, especially during tough times. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology suggests that enforced gratitude can strain parent-child bonds.

  • Hidden Message: “I’m working hard for you, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  • Impact: It made me feel guilty for wanting more emotional connection.

6. “Why Can’t You Be More Like [Sibling/Friend]?”

Comparisons were meant to motivate but often felt like rejection. Research from Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2020) shows that comparisons can erode self-esteem.

  • Hidden Message: “I want you to succeed, but I don’t know how to encourage you.”
  • Impact: It made me feel inadequate, straining my sense of self-worth.

7. “I’m Too Busy Right Now”

This phrase often came when I sought attention. A 2022 study in Child Development found that parental unavailability can lead to feelings of emotional neglect.

  • Hidden Message: “I love you, but I’m overwhelmed and can’t connect now.”
  • Impact: It taught me to prioritize others’ needs over my own.

8. “You’ll Be Fine, Just Keep Going”

Meant to instill resilience, this phrase dismissed my struggles. According to Journal of Clinical Psychology (2021), lack of emotional validation can hinder emotional processing.

  • Hidden Message: “I believe in you, but I don’t know how to support you emotionally.”
  • Impact: It made me feel I had to handle everything alone.

9. “This Is How It’s Always Been”

This justified traditions or behaviors without explanation, stifling questions. A 2023 study in Family Relations notes that rigid family norms can limit emotional openness.

  • Hidden Message: “I’m following what I know, but I’m not sure how to adapt.”
  • Impact: It made me feel trapped by outdated expectations.

10. “I Don’t Need to Say It, You Know I Love You”

This phrase assumed love was understood without explicit expression. Research from Journal of Family Communication (2020) shows that verbal affirmations are critical for emotional security.

  • Hidden Message: “I feel love, but I’m uncomfortable expressing it.”
  • Impact: It left me craving explicit affirmations of love.

Understanding the Impact and Moving Forward

Realizing my parents struggled to express love wasn’t about resentment—it was about empathy. Their phrases reflected their own upbringing, cultural norms, or emotional limitations. According to Psychological Science (2022), understanding parental emotional patterns can foster healing and improve adult relationships.

Here are steps to process these experiences and build healthier emotional connections:

  • Reflect on Your Childhood: Journal about phrases you heard and how they made you feel to gain clarity.
  • Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge that your parents’ limitations weren’t your fault, as supported by Journal of Positive Psychology (2021).
  • Communicate Openly: Share your needs with loved ones to foster mutual understanding.
  • Seek Therapy: A therapist can help unpack childhood experiences and build emotional resilience, per American Psychologist (2020).
  • Break the Cycle: Use affirming, empathetic language with your own children or loved ones to model healthy expression.

Conclusion

The phrases I grew up hearing shaped my view of love, but understanding their roots helped me see my parents’ intentions through a lens of compassion. While their words sometimes fell short of warmth, they were often their best attempt to show care within their emotional limits. By recognizing these patterns, we can heal from their impact and choose to express love more openly in our own lives. Whether through therapy, reflection, or intentional communication, we have the power to rewrite the script and foster connections that feel truly loving.

References

1. Journal of Family Psychology. (2021). Parental Emotional Expression and Child Development. psycnet.apa.org

2. Emotion. (2020). Emotional Suppression in Parenting. psycnet.apa.org

3. Developmental Psychology. (2021). Dismissive Parenting and Communication. psycnet.apa.org

4. Journal of Child and Family Studies. (2022). Authoritarian Parenting and Emotional Warmth. link.springer.com

5. Psychological Reports. (2023). Emotional Invalidation and Child Development. journals.sagepub.com

6. Frontiers in Psychology. (2021). Enforced Gratitude and Family Bonds. www.frontiersin.org

7. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. (2020). Comparisons and Self-Esteem. journals.sagepub.com

8. Child Development. (2022). Parental Availability and Emotional Neglect. srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com

9. Journal of Clinical Psychology. (2021). Emotional Validation and Processing. onlinelibrary.wiley.com

10. Family Relations. (2023). Family Norms and Emotional Openness. onlinelibrary.wiley.com

11. Journal of Family Communication. (2020). Verbal Affirmations and Emotional Security. www.tandfonline.com

12. Psychological Science. (2022). Parental Emotional Patterns and Healing. journals.sagepub.com

13. Journal of Positive Psychology. (2021). Self-Compassion and Healing. www.tandfonline.com

14. American Psychologist. (2020). Therapy and Emotional Resilience. psycnet.apa.org

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